Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR