Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.