Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”