Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.