My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
just gave your address to some spiders
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity