BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The photographer’s assistant
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
What personal space?
My dog
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels