Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……