MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
no their not
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house