Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.