Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.