totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.