Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.