The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
being a writer on Twitter:
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college