My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.