BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.