Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.