It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
first you must answer his riddles
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.