I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.