My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Somebody’s lying.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.