My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?