Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
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me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”