Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
You Might Also Like
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister鈥檚 toys.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I don鈥檛 know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
me: it鈥檚 the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
mentally somewhere in italy
Best Mother鈥檚 Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
It鈥檚 so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you鈥檝e already seen the post they鈥檙e showing you
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that鈥檚 enough cardio for one day.
the dark web is just a goth google.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I admit I鈥檓 not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don鈥檛 need that many.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?