*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Swedish for common sense.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?