Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was