Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer