When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*sewing*
A thread
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?