I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Solving a traffic jam
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.