The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight