toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The sacred texts.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.