I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Good point.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument