When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Oops I deleted….
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
how high up are we talkin’?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My dating profile:
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.