Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
A classic…
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Catercrombie & Fish
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.