[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.