mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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when there are deer in the woods
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I missed you with all my darts
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
How high do the levels go?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners