Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on