According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that