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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.