[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[montage of me giving-up]
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
ok like just. call me at this point
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
This is Sparta
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.