when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
You Might Also Like
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no