*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken