me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.