Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”