Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯