marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…