Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges