99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Holy moly
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Can Happiness buy money?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me too, bag. Me too….
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*