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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I