Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize