My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Bread puns are on the rise!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!