Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Yup!
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎